Somewhat Normal

I don’t remember when I heard it…
”It took eight years to feel somewhat normal”

‘Normal’ is a strange and relative word and I have no clear idea of it’s meaning in this context.

But here I am ‘somewhat normal’.

The first sign… I put my earrings back in my ears.
Small diamond studs, a gift for birthing George.
”One is from me and one is from Daddy” little Luke explained earnestly as he proudly presented the tiny navy box at the hospital.

I wore them always.
But somewhere in my early coma I tore them from my ears, no longer able to tolerate them.
Panicked friends gathered them as I cast them out and they’ve sat in a glass heart shaped box beside my bed ever since.

The next huge step… I lose my temper with George.
Haunted as I am by every cross word between Luke and I, I have refused to bring George to heel, no matter what. “You tell him!”.

Sitting in the car, after our heated call, I see my earrings in the mirror and realize the shift.
Have some trauma landmines been swept?
Alex’s Mother’s words echo in my soul …”It took eight years to feel ‘somewhat normal’”

So, what else is new?
Well I can do more than one thing in a day.
I can learn new tasks.
Sometimes I go to bed before midnight.
I’ve got my body back.
Passwords?…let’s not get carried away!

But with this ‘normal’ comes an emotional constipation.
I am separated from my tears and my memories of Luke are fading, or have I just worn them out? Am I out of memories?

The constant strife for a balance betwixt the here and now and feeling Luke, is real.

The loss is within me, a constant hum, like I have forgotten something I’m supposed to do.
A pressure builds, but without the sobbing, there is no release.
Seems that being ‘normal’ is rather over rated or is that where the ‘somewhat’ comes in?

The early grief is gone but it leaves an imprint.
Like an embossed mark, you can barely see it,
but if the light catches it just so… it is clearly visible

and it can be felt… always.