I Got Fugee'd

Day 1092.

As the anniversary/yahrzeit of Luke’s death approaches, I thought I was doing well.

I was, I admit, a bit baffled by the absence of my despair. I was expecting a Tsunami.

It is true, that I have had days of pure happiness recently. I’m just back from a lovely holiday, filled with laughter, wonderment, family and friends, and upon my return, busy with organizing the candle lighting at the house in rememberance of Luke, my birthday party and the launch of this blog. I did get it done early, because I was afraid that I might fall as the date approached.

And today, just like that, all of a sudden, out of the blue…….. I got “Fugee'd”'

The Fugees' Killing me Softly came on the radio as I was driving, going about my day. And I fell. Hard.

Music that evokes the smile and dance moves of Luke, as he raps “One time!” in perfect rhythm.

“It only takes one thing,” Adam texted, and it’s true.

So how is my sadness, three years later? Is it different?

It is sadness.

Just sadness and longing.

The tears are huge and heavy as they fall.

I don’t resist.

I don’t brace.

I let them fall.

I surrender.

I let the love of my beautiful boy wash over me.

It’s not that it’s any less sad than it ever was, it’s just that I have become accustomed, familiar to this.

For now, it hasn’t taken me down completely, maybe because it is part of me now.

Maybe, I have finally given way  to the notion that this is the new me.