If They Could See me Now..

Day 1375.

It’s 1375 days, 14 hours and 31 minutes, my app tells me, since October 1st 2016, when Luke was pronounced dead.

Although we don’t know exactly when he died, it’s sometime between his last text and the EMTs arriving. The time of the last text is different depending on where you are, as is the date - Boston, Los Angeles, London. Did he die on October 1 or September 30?

How sloppy this feels. I don’t even really know when my own child died! How fucking careless!

And today I am done with him being dead. I am fatigued by the missing.

I am worn down by big pharma’s spin and the politicization of healthcare. The political games are absurd, if the Republicans say ‘black’ the Democrats say ‘white’, if the right say ‘yes’, the left say ‘no’.

People are fucking desperate and there really is no cavalry coming, and considering their dark history, maybe it’s just as well!

Whilst every issue is politicized - what about us humans writhing in agony, both emotional and physical?

The opioid crisis is worse than ever and there’s so many reasons why nobody is in jail for all the shit they have done to cause it.

The smug, educationally elite love to tell you why that is so, but they don’t hear the question I am asking….I don’t want to know the reasons why - what I want to know is why those reasons still exist.

I am sick of outrage that can not be remedied, because even though politicians appear to be into it, they will only change laws, systems and protocols if it means they can get another term and that means appeasing their PAC.

They wouldn’t shut the borders with China to stem the flow of Fentanyl but they will for Covid!

Every day we hear that the FDA is the gold standard. It’s not about a gold standard - it’s just about gold!

The opioid crisis has shown us that the FDA are far from a reliable watchdog for the people. The ‘pay to play’ licensing of high strength opioids OxyContin, Insis, Zohydro, Opana.….. I could go on. And even after we know Oxy is not suitable for chronic pain and long term use and that the FDA approved it so without any supporting science and a bunch of fancy closed door dinners, the license isn’t revoked or altered, despite massive efforts. This corruption is part of law suit discovery.. so why is no one at the FDA in jail? The FDA bill $80 million a year from the very industry they regulate! They are not required to decide if a drug is safe - just that it is as safe as the other shit out there! ….WTF!

Lawsuit transcripts are redacted as part of settlements, legal games are played, bankruptcies are filed to avoid discovery, and only 1 opioid manufacturing fucker is in jail!

And so pharma rules and people die and the only people who care enough to change it are the helpless, the sobbing, the missing, out rowing in their private boats, Dunkirk style to save the day with nothing but rhetoric from politicians and budgets than can never match the pharma lobby.

I am out here rowing away.

My child is dead already. Don’t dismiss me.

I’m trying to save yours when all I want is a few minutes with my own boy.

Just a chat, a dance, even just a smile would do. To share a coffee, any interaction of any sort, a hug or even just to hear his voice say “Hey, Mum”.

I writhe in agony as I sob in my parked car in the hopelessness of it all and I wonder... if the smug bureaucrats who could actually change this could see me now.... could see the 6000 sobbing American mothers brought to their knees every month, every year - more Mothers than can even fit in the Dodgers Stadium or Fenway Park twice over - ....with more coming down the pike as they continue to prescribe opioids to children with broken arms and wisdom teeth extractions, ….would they change things? Or does it have to happen to them? How many of their children need to die before they act?

As politicians and regulatory bodies continue to debate and bluster and mercurially shift the remedies required, more die and our numbers grow.

We sob and row on, doing the work that they should be doing.