Guilt

I sit in training with Dr Jo and she says “If you want to know what guilt looks like…”
She spreads her arms wide and gesticulates to the acres, the animals, the buildings of the grief carefarm that surround us.

Less and less I start a therapy session with “can we talk about how I killed Luke”
But in homage to Dr Jo, and Luke… Let’s talk about what MY guilt looks like.

This year alone I have trained hundreds of people to reverse opioid overdose and handed them the kits to do so.

I end each training standing before that glorious photo of Luke with his shit eating grin and say…

“If the person who was with Luke that night knew what you now know and was carrying this kit…”

It chokes me every time.
A tear often falls.

In truth it sounds like an accusation.
But back then, I didn’t know either.
If I had been the person who was with him…
I would not have known what to do.

There’s MY guilt.
Right there.